Q: I made up a great character for a Make-Your-Own-Superhero party a few weeks ago and had the best time. I like my costume so much that I want to wear it around the house sometimes, but I’m worried that my stepbrother will tease me. What should I do?

A: Start wearing your costume behind closed doors while you build your confidence. When you feel like you own it, you can start wearing your costume around the house without caring what other people say.

While you’re building your confidence behind closed doors, it probably wouldn’t hurt to build some muscles, too. Get some free weights or something.

Q: Why are you weird?

A: Someone once told me, “Everyone is weird, but everyone else’s weirdness seems strange.”


* Send your question to Alex--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: Alex, why do you still refuse to admit that Batman is the ultimate superhero? He has expanded his natural abilities through years of vigorous physical and intellectual training. And don’t even get me started on his magnificent inventions . . .

By way of comparison, Superman was born that way. He wouldn’t have even been considered super if he had lived his entire life on his own planet. In light of this information, how can you persist in your belief that Superman is the ultimate superhero?

P.S. Your sports equipment is spreading towards my side of the room again.

A: Nice try, Brian. I still maintain that the best superheroes are defined by their amazing superpowers and how they use them for the common good. Gadgets and training just can’t compare, in my opinion. I respect Batman, but I still believe that Superman rules.

P.S. Let’s not relive the “my side/your side” debate of 2003. Nothing good can come of that.


* Send your question to Alex--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: I know that you are concerned about raccoons, but isn't there just as much danger, if not more, from neighborhood dogs? (Especially the yappy little ones that just have a generally bad attitude.) Also, what about squirrels?

A: Reasons why raccoons are MUCH scarier than dogs:

(1) Raccoons have thumbs, so they can open garbage cans, doors, and all kinds of other things that dogs can’t.
(2) Raccoons are nocturnal, so they’re most likely to sneak up on you when you’re sleeping.
(3) Raccoons have resisted domestication, so they’re much tougher than dogs.
(4) Urban raccoons have been getting bolder and more dangerous, even going so far as to attack cats and dogs.

Squirrels freak me out when I’m outside, but no one I know has had issues with them invading the house. I’ve heard lots of stuff about raccoons coming in through pet doors and terrorizing families and pets.

Honestly, I don’t know why everyone isn’t building raccoon-proof panic rooms right now. Wake up and fear the raccoons, people!

* Send your question to Alex--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: My parents are always unreasonable about my Christmas list. I think I have a better chance of getting what I really want if I ask for something outrageous, like a submarine or a pony. What would you do?

A: I would make this exact same mistake and then suffer for it terribly. I asked for a pony as a negotiation tactic and now my family is torturing me with it. Every little thing I ask for these days is answered with, “But you just asked for a pony.” I had no idea they were such evil geniuses. Why can’t they take over the world or something and leave me alone?!

I live in fear now. Every time one of them goes out, I worry that they will come back with a stupid pony. I know that would be taking it too far, but you don’t know them! They are weird enough to get a stupid pony just to torture me even more. Stupid pony will probably get its own room even though I’ve been asking for my own room for years and I never get one! Or worse, I’ll probably have to share my room with the stupid pony and then it will be pony, pony, pony all the time and I won’t ever be able to get away from it.

Stupid pony will probably eat up my whole allowance and every time I try to go out they will tell me I have to take it for a walk or they will make me take it with me and I’ll have a stupid pony tagging along after me all the time like the weirdest little brother ever. Stupid pony will probably laugh at me the whole time and think it’s funny that I’m its tiny slave.

I can’t take the suspense any more. I’m having nightmares about them coming home with a stupid pony. I can only think of one way out of this. It will be extreme and difficult, but it’s probably my only hope.

I know what I have to do.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over four years. Three years ago, he moved into my house with his two adult children (early 20s). I’ve talked with his children about either following my rules or moving out. My boyfriend thinks it's okay for them to live here for free and ignore the rules. What should I do?

A: It’s going to be too much work to get him or his kids to change and they’re just not worth it. You’re better off spending your time figuring out why you put up with this crap for so long and learning to stick up for yourself.

Your boyfriend is a big part of the problem here. Kick all three of them out and change the locks. You can do better.

Q: There’s this girl I like at school. Every time I ask her out, she says, “I’d love to, but I’m really busy right now.” She makes it sound like I should keep trying, but I can’t seem to close the deal. Should I bring her flowers? Invite her on a really expensive date? How do I get this girl to say yes already?

A: Stop asking her out. She’s never going to say yes. She probably thinks she’s being nice by letting you down easy, but she’s a wimp.

It’s like those movie rentals we get mailed to the house. When I’m excited about a movie, I make time to watch it pretty quick. When I’m not, it sits around on the table forever and I usually send it back unwatched. You’re being sent back unwatched, and you need to accept that.

If she really wanted to go out with you, she would help you close the deal. That’s not what’s happening here. Stop asking her out and don’t let anyone string you along like this again.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out the Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: I’ve noticed a lot of new dogs in our neighborhood lately. They haven’t attacked me or any of my action figure siblings yet, but I know it happens a lot. What should we do?

A: Whatever you do, don’t carry dog treats to try to pacify the beasts—it just makes you smell like a dog treat. (I heard about an action figure who tried that—they called him Stumpy.)

The way I understand it, handling a dog is really about attitude. I’ve seen a home video of three big Dobermans running from one little Cocker Spaniel just because she acted like the boss of them. Dogs are pack animals and follow the strongest leader, so be that leader. Use a strong, firm voice and make clear that you’re the boss. That’s what I would do.

Q: Our neighbors recently got a kitten. It hasn't attacked me or any of my action figure siblings yet, but we are afraid it is only a matter of time. One of my brothers has the crazy idea that he wants to tame it and ride it around. What should we do?

A: Lock your brother in a room and don’t let him out until he admits that he isn’t He-Man and there’s no such thing as a Battle Cat. Just kidding . . . not really. How has your brother survived this long?

Cats are a big problem for living action figures—many of us get mauled because they’re hard to hide from and very tough to intimidate. Personally, I avoid them. But if I’m ever attacked by a cat, I won’t go down easy. If humans can sometimes fight off sharks with a punch to the snout, maybe action figures can fight off cats the same way. It’s worth a try.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: My stepbrother hit me with a ball, tried to pretend it was part of a game called “tag dodgeball,” and then ran away to hide. What should I have done?

A: That’s an excellent--and timely--question. I believe that whether you’ve done right or wrong--you should own it. Xena taught me that.

If I hit someone with a ball, it’s almost always on purpose--because I have great aim--and I’m straight up about why I did it (“That’s for taping over my favorite show!”). If I did hit someone by accident, I would never, ever wimp out by pretending, hiding, or anything like that.

People who can’t own up to their actions have gone wrong and need to get back on track. I think Alex is a freak for wearing a cape and calling himself “SuperAlex,” but at least he owns it--I’ll give him that much.

I’m the sort of person who needs things to be even. If someone does something to me and I haven’t gotten them back yet, it eats away at me. If that sounds like you, you need to take some kind of action that helps you feel like things are even between you and your stepbrother. Then you can go back to doing fun stuff.

Q: I hit my stepsister with a ball, tried to pretend it was part of a game called “tag dodgeball,” and then ran away to hide. When she got back at me, it really hurt. Where did I go wrong?

A: Pretending and running away. See above.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: When your people go on vacation, do you stay home or travel with them? If you stay home, what do you do while the adults are gone?

A: Sometimes we all take a family vacation, and sometimes Trish and Joe go away on their own. When Trish and Joe go away without the four of us, they send us to stay with friends or family. Although Trish and Joe leave us home alone while they are at work, certain . . . incidents . . . have made them uncomfortable with the idea of leaving us home alone for several days in a row.

Jane sometimes asks if we can please stay home alone this time, but then Joe starts muttering things along the lines of “We’d come home to a smoldering hole in the ground” or “That’s what we need, Lord of the Flies.”

The conversation usually goes downhill from there. I’m somewhat impressed that Jane keeps asking.

* Send your question to Lisa--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.