Some people liked my first advice column and sent in their own questions. Check it out:

Q: I'm one of many action figures belonging to a dedicated and enthusiastic collector. Lately, the collector has not been spending much time with me or my sisters. Even his male action figures are feeling neglected or left out. I think our collector is ditching us, he seems very busy and tired all the time with his work and all. Any suggestions on how my siblings and I can approach our collector and let him know that we need some of his attention?

A: Whatever you do, don’t whine! If I wanted someone to pay more attention to me, I’d do something really cool where they could see it—then they’d come to ME.

It sounds like you have a lot of action figures there. Get all your siblings together to make your own kung fu movie or something like that. Have your own great time and wait for him to join in.

If it takes a while for him to catch on, at least you’re having fun making a kung fu movie.

Q: Your question: My son is growing bald and he is very upset about it. I keep telling him that it's proof that he's coming out on top. What should he do?

A: This seems like more of a boy issue, so I asked Alex to handle it. Alex said, “Action figures don’t go bald, but our human, Joe, is bald on top and has been for years. I think you should tell your son to act like Joe. Joe is very confident about his looks and girls seem to dig that. Since he acts like he’s got it goin’ on, he gets treated like he’s got it goin’ on. I’ve seen lots of girls hit on Joe, even when other guys in the room were taller or had more hair. Attitude is everything, apparently.”

* If you want advice from Jane (or any of the other action figures), please fill out our advice form.

Q: Why do your siblings give you such grief about making a catapult? Our human made us a working 1:6 ballista, and has promised us an onager. They should encourage your spirit of inquiry.

A: My siblings are still bitter about the catapult because we all had to spend a week helping with the post-fire cleanup. How was I to know that my catapult would be strong enough to reach a hot pan of oil in the kitchen?! My planned trajectory was the hallway. There were no hot pans of oil in the hallway. That’s the last time I build a war machine out of kitchen utensils.

I do not deserve this reputation. When I create my next invention without a single spark, they will see that the catapult incident was just a fluke.

I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.

Q: I’m having trouble with some of the cats and dogs in our neighborhood. Do you have any advice—or inventions—to help action figures avoid becoming chew toys?

A: I was working on a keep-away spray, but it dissolved Alex’s clothes for some reason and I’m not allowed to work with chemicals any more.

* If you want to send a question to Brian (or any of the other action figures), please fill out our advice form.

Q: I'm thinking about developing a secret lab to keep my sisters from interfering in my experiments. Have you ever tried this? Do you have any suggestions or warnings?

A: This is an intriguing and tempting idea. Having a place to experiment without criticism could really help an inventor grow. In terms of safety, however, I feel obligated to mention that a hidden lab could be a hazard to an inventor whose experiment has gone dangerously wrong, since it would hinder rescue attempts.

I think a better way to accomplish something like this is to hide in plain sight. If you could think of an activity that requires a private space with the door closed, but holds no interest for the other people you live with, you could use that as a cover for a lab. People wouldn’t interrupt you, but they would still be able to hear you if you screamed for help.

For example, Lisa and Jane could be planning world domination in their yoga space, but since Alex and I have absolutely no interest in yoga, we would never go in there to catch them. Maybe I should go see what those two are really up to, just to be sure . . .

* If you want to send a question to Brian (or any of the other action figures), please fill out our advice form.

As part of my new world order for 2006, I’m answering your questions and getting your life back on track. Here’s the latest:

Q: I have a mean sister who won't share the computer with me. I have to wake up early to use it or she'll push me off.

A: I’m not big on sharing either, but I think I can help. Think about how your sister scares you away from the computer and find a way to up the ante. A stone cold look and a menacing attitude can be very effective. If you threaten her, be vague about what you’ll do. Her imagination will do the heavy lifting for you, and it will be harder for your parents to punish you.

Q: I fear for the lives of my action figures. When I leave them alone, a head goes missing. I know it’s my psychotic sister who does this. What should I do?

A: Send me her home address and sleeping schedule. Don’t tell anyone we spoke.

* If you want to send a question to Jane (or any of the other action figures), please fill out our advice form.

Q: Alex, how often do you have to take a bath? My Mom expects me to take one EVERY SINGLE DAY.

A: I only have to wash when I get dirty and I don’t get dirty very often. Action figures don’t sweat, so that’s a big help right there. I don’t spend much time outside because that’s where the animals live, so that helps, too. When I do have to take a bath, I like to swim laps in the tub or pretend to rescue my rubber ducky and that helps the time just fly by.

Jane and Lisa like baths so much that they take them for fun. They also use something called “bath bombs.” Brian and I thought they were going to be really cool, but we followed the instructions and they didn’t explode at all.


* Send your question to Alex--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

I’m tired of complaining about how dumb some advice columns are, so I decided to start my own. These are some questions I found in other advice columns, with my answers instead of those wimpy ones:

Q: I’ve been happily married to a wonderful man for over 20 years. A few weeks ago, an anonymous woman called and said my husband was cheating. My husband says he’s been faithful and I have no other reason to doubt him. I’m having a lot of trouble getting over this. My husband is willing to go to counseling or do anything else I need. What should I do?

A: Everybody on the planet should get Caller ID and set it to reject unidentified calls. Life is too short to interrupt your Xena marathon for a telemarketer.

If you can’t find out who did this, you need another way to deal:

1. Draw a picture of this woman. You’re making it up, so go for something really repulsive.
2. Attach the picture to a punching bag or something like that.
3. Attack the picture mercilessly until it’s destroyed. Feel free to use weapons.
4. Repeat until you feel better.

Q: My brother, sister, and I have a problem. When we disagree with our other sister, she takes revenge on us. When I said she was wrong to start a fight, “someone” called Child Protective Services on me. When my other sister disagreed with her, "someone" smashed her car windows. When my brother said something she didn't like, “something” killed all his birds (the day after she was there). We also get crank calls and she drives past our homes a lot.

She has bragged to other family members about doing these things. When we told our parents, they said it was all just coincidences.

This sister needs surgery and our parents want us to be supportive. We don’t want anything more to do with her. I told my children to call the police if she comes to our house again. What else can we do?

A: You’re not just taking what she’s dishing out, which is good, but you need to go a little further. Your sister is a nutjob and your parents have betrayed you by ignoring the fact that she’s a nutjob. (She admitted to someone that she killed those birds and your folks still won’t listen?!)

Why are you guys still talking to her? Why was she in your brother’s house? You would avoid a stranger who did these things. Why do you think you have to take it just because you have the same parents? All three of you need to push this nutjob as far away as you can and don’t let her near any of you any more. Get Caller ID, change your phone numbers, change your locks, maybe even move. She killed an animal to get back at someone. That’s Fatal Attraction stuff.

Your parents are a problem, because they could give the nutjob your new contact information. I suggest a pact where the three of you cut off contact with your parents for one year. (You can tell them why.) After a year, get in touch and see if they’ve wised up yet. If they have, you can work something out. If they haven’t, avoid them for another year. If they think this nutjob is so great, they can have her all to themselves.

* If you want advice from Jane (or any of the other action figures), please fill out our advice form.

Q: I want to make blade attachments for my robotic vacuum cleaner so it can do double-duty and mow the lawn, too. Do you have any pointers or suggestions for a project like that?

A: As someone who’s less than a foot tall, I prefer the small, robotic vacuums to the standard models. The robot vacuums are less intimidating to action figures, and they’re quite fun for us to ride around on. But the thought of adding blades to a robot vacuum is pretty terrifying to me. It could all go horribly wrong for action figures and other small beings. I’m sure you’re sincere about only wanting to use such an invention on your lawn, but I’ve learned the hard way that we have no control over what other people do with our inventions.

As an inventor, you can release your creation into the world with the best of intentions, but people will corrupt it in ways you’d never expect. After a while, you start wondering whether you were better off when your inventions didn’t survive the testing process. You start doubting whether it’s worth the heartache to try inventing again, or if you should just try bonsai gardening or something.

I usually go lie down when I feel like this, but I’d probably just have nightmares. Please abandon your plans for the blade attachments. The action figures of the world will thank you.

* If you want to send a question to Brian (or any of the other action figures), please fill out our advice form.

Q: My roommate is a pest when we have company. When my friends and I are watching a movie, she interrupts three or four times to ask if we want to play cards or Scrabble or whatever. We keep telling her that we’re never going to stop a movie in the middle to go play games, but she won’t knock it off. What would you do?

A: I would tell her that I want to play a game called “Xena vs. the Fool” and she’s the fool.

Q: My roommate is a slob who leaves his shoes, jackets, and other junk all over the house. It drives me nuts to dodge his stuff all the time. What would you do?

A: If I couldn’t just ignore it, I’d make a pile of all his stuff. However, there’s no guarantee that I’d tell him where the spot is or that I’d use the same spot two days in a row.

If I’m going to pick up after someone else, I might as well have fun with it.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

This time last year, I made my new world order for 2005:

Trish: Stop working so much and come home more. If you have to be out late, at least be out having fun.

Lisa: Let your inner bad girl out to play once in a while. We’re sisters—you must have one in there somewhere.

Joe: You work a little too much, too. You haven’t really bugged me yet, so just keep making Trish happy and we’ll be cool.

Alex: Stop being such a freak and just deal with real life. It won’t bite you—and if it does, just bite back.

Brian: Get out of your head and into the world more. If you can get out during Xena, that would rock.

Trish and Joe did a good job on working less. Lisa kicked everyone’s butt at poker, which was a pretty bad girl thing to do. Alex and Brian are just useless, though. I don’t know what to do with them. Their Christmas with Khan play was beyond my help. What is wrong with them? Can action figures get brain damage?

For 2006, I’m going to take a break from telling my family what to do and focus on the bigger picture. I wrote my first advice column in November and my second column in December. I’m really digging that. I don’t need to waste any more of my time trying to fix Alex and Brian. In 2006, I’m all about helping people who want to be helped. That’s where the real action is.

You need to get in touch with me about where you’re going wrong with your life so that I can straighten you out. Fill out the advice form and I’ll get you back on track.

Q: I made up a great character for a Make-Your-Own-Superhero party a few weeks ago and had the best time. I like my costume so much that I want to wear it around the house sometimes, but I’m worried that my stepbrother will tease me. What should I do?

A: Start wearing your costume behind closed doors while you build your confidence. When you feel like you own it, you can start wearing your costume around the house without caring what other people say.

While you’re building your confidence behind closed doors, it probably wouldn’t hurt to build some muscles, too. Get some free weights or something.

Q: Why are you weird?

A: Someone once told me, “Everyone is weird, but everyone else’s weirdness seems strange.”


* Send your question to Alex--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: Alex, why do you still refuse to admit that Batman is the ultimate superhero? He has expanded his natural abilities through years of vigorous physical and intellectual training. And don’t even get me started on his magnificent inventions . . .

By way of comparison, Superman was born that way. He wouldn’t have even been considered super if he had lived his entire life on his own planet. In light of this information, how can you persist in your belief that Superman is the ultimate superhero?

P.S. Your sports equipment is spreading towards my side of the room again.

A: Nice try, Brian. I still maintain that the best superheroes are defined by their amazing superpowers and how they use them for the common good. Gadgets and training just can’t compare, in my opinion. I respect Batman, but I still believe that Superman rules.

P.S. Let’s not relive the “my side/your side” debate of 2003. Nothing good can come of that.


* Send your question to Alex--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: I know that you are concerned about raccoons, but isn't there just as much danger, if not more, from neighborhood dogs? (Especially the yappy little ones that just have a generally bad attitude.) Also, what about squirrels?

A: Reasons why raccoons are MUCH scarier than dogs:

(1) Raccoons have thumbs, so they can open garbage cans, doors, and all kinds of other things that dogs can’t.
(2) Raccoons are nocturnal, so they’re most likely to sneak up on you when you’re sleeping.
(3) Raccoons have resisted domestication, so they’re much tougher than dogs.
(4) Urban raccoons have been getting bolder and more dangerous, even going so far as to attack cats and dogs.

Squirrels freak me out when I’m outside, but no one I know has had issues with them invading the house. I’ve heard lots of stuff about raccoons coming in through pet doors and terrorizing families and pets.

Honestly, I don’t know why everyone isn’t building raccoon-proof panic rooms right now. Wake up and fear the raccoons, people!

* Send your question to Alex--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: My parents are always unreasonable about my Christmas list. I think I have a better chance of getting what I really want if I ask for something outrageous, like a submarine or a pony. What would you do?

A: I would make this exact same mistake and then suffer for it terribly. I asked for a pony as a negotiation tactic and now my family is torturing me with it. Every little thing I ask for these days is answered with, “But you just asked for a pony.” I had no idea they were such evil geniuses. Why can’t they take over the world or something and leave me alone?!

I live in fear now. Every time one of them goes out, I worry that they will come back with a stupid pony. I know that would be taking it too far, but you don’t know them! They are weird enough to get a stupid pony just to torture me even more. Stupid pony will probably get its own room even though I’ve been asking for my own room for years and I never get one! Or worse, I’ll probably have to share my room with the stupid pony and then it will be pony, pony, pony all the time and I won’t ever be able to get away from it.

Stupid pony will probably eat up my whole allowance and every time I try to go out they will tell me I have to take it for a walk or they will make me take it with me and I’ll have a stupid pony tagging along after me all the time like the weirdest little brother ever. Stupid pony will probably laugh at me the whole time and think it’s funny that I’m its tiny slave.

I can’t take the suspense any more. I’m having nightmares about them coming home with a stupid pony. I can only think of one way out of this. It will be extreme and difficult, but it’s probably my only hope.

I know what I have to do.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over four years. Three years ago, he moved into my house with his two adult children (early 20s). I’ve talked with his children about either following my rules or moving out. My boyfriend thinks it's okay for them to live here for free and ignore the rules. What should I do?

A: It’s going to be too much work to get him or his kids to change and they’re just not worth it. You’re better off spending your time figuring out why you put up with this crap for so long and learning to stick up for yourself.

Your boyfriend is a big part of the problem here. Kick all three of them out and change the locks. You can do better.

Q: There’s this girl I like at school. Every time I ask her out, she says, “I’d love to, but I’m really busy right now.” She makes it sound like I should keep trying, but I can’t seem to close the deal. Should I bring her flowers? Invite her on a really expensive date? How do I get this girl to say yes already?

A: Stop asking her out. She’s never going to say yes. She probably thinks she’s being nice by letting you down easy, but she’s a wimp.

It’s like those movie rentals we get mailed to the house. When I’m excited about a movie, I make time to watch it pretty quick. When I’m not, it sits around on the table forever and I usually send it back unwatched. You’re being sent back unwatched, and you need to accept that.

If she really wanted to go out with you, she would help you close the deal. That’s not what’s happening here. Stop asking her out and don’t let anyone string you along like this again.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out the Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: I’ve noticed a lot of new dogs in our neighborhood lately. They haven’t attacked me or any of my action figure siblings yet, but I know it happens a lot. What should we do?

A: Whatever you do, don’t carry dog treats to try to pacify the beasts—it just makes you smell like a dog treat. (I heard about an action figure who tried that—they called him Stumpy.)

The way I understand it, handling a dog is really about attitude. I’ve seen a home video of three big Dobermans running from one little Cocker Spaniel just because she acted like the boss of them. Dogs are pack animals and follow the strongest leader, so be that leader. Use a strong, firm voice and make clear that you’re the boss. That’s what I would do.

Q: Our neighbors recently got a kitten. It hasn't attacked me or any of my action figure siblings yet, but we are afraid it is only a matter of time. One of my brothers has the crazy idea that he wants to tame it and ride it around. What should we do?

A: Lock your brother in a room and don’t let him out until he admits that he isn’t He-Man and there’s no such thing as a Battle Cat. Just kidding . . . not really. How has your brother survived this long?

Cats are a big problem for living action figures—many of us get mauled because they’re hard to hide from and very tough to intimidate. Personally, I avoid them. But if I’m ever attacked by a cat, I won’t go down easy. If humans can sometimes fight off sharks with a punch to the snout, maybe action figures can fight off cats the same way. It’s worth a try.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: My stepbrother hit me with a ball, tried to pretend it was part of a game called “tag dodgeball,” and then ran away to hide. What should I have done?

A: That’s an excellent--and timely--question. I believe that whether you’ve done right or wrong--you should own it. Xena taught me that.

If I hit someone with a ball, it’s almost always on purpose--because I have great aim--and I’m straight up about why I did it (“That’s for taping over my favorite show!”). If I did hit someone by accident, I would never, ever wimp out by pretending, hiding, or anything like that.

People who can’t own up to their actions have gone wrong and need to get back on track. I think Alex is a freak for wearing a cape and calling himself “SuperAlex,” but at least he owns it--I’ll give him that much.

I’m the sort of person who needs things to be even. If someone does something to me and I haven’t gotten them back yet, it eats away at me. If that sounds like you, you need to take some kind of action that helps you feel like things are even between you and your stepbrother. Then you can go back to doing fun stuff.

Q: I hit my stepsister with a ball, tried to pretend it was part of a game called “tag dodgeball,” and then ran away to hide. When she got back at me, it really hurt. Where did I go wrong?

A: Pretending and running away. See above.

* Send your question to Jane--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.

Q: When your people go on vacation, do you stay home or travel with them? If you stay home, what do you do while the adults are gone?

A: Sometimes we all take a family vacation, and sometimes Trish and Joe go away on their own. When Trish and Joe go away without the four of us, they send us to stay with friends or family. Although Trish and Joe leave us home alone while they are at work, certain . . . incidents . . . have made them uncomfortable with the idea of leaving us home alone for several days in a row.

Jane sometimes asks if we can please stay home alone this time, but then Joe starts muttering things along the lines of “We’d come home to a smoldering hole in the ground” or “That’s what we need, Lord of the Flies.”

The conversation usually goes downhill from there. I’m somewhat impressed that Jane keeps asking.

* Send your question to Lisa--or any of our other action figures--by filling out our Ask the Action Figures form.