I’m tired of complaining about how dumb some advice columns are, so I decided to start my own. These are some questions I found in other advice columns, with my answers instead of those wimpy ones:

Q: I’ve been happily married to a wonderful man for over 20 years. A few weeks ago, an anonymous woman called and said my husband was cheating. My husband says he’s been faithful and I have no other reason to doubt him. I’m having a lot of trouble getting over this. My husband is willing to go to counseling or do anything else I need. What should I do?

A: Everybody on the planet should get Caller ID and set it to reject unidentified calls. Life is too short to interrupt your Xena marathon for a telemarketer.

If you can’t find out who did this, you need another way to deal:

1. Draw a picture of this woman. You’re making it up, so go for something really repulsive.
2. Attach the picture to a punching bag or something like that.
3. Attack the picture mercilessly until it’s destroyed. Feel free to use weapons.
4. Repeat until you feel better.

Q: My brother, sister, and I have a problem. When we disagree with our other sister, she takes revenge on us. When I said she was wrong to start a fight, “someone” called Child Protective Services on me. When my other sister disagreed with her, "someone" smashed her car windows. When my brother said something she didn't like, “something” killed all his birds (the day after she was there). We also get crank calls and she drives past our homes a lot.

She has bragged to other family members about doing these things. When we told our parents, they said it was all just coincidences.

This sister needs surgery and our parents want us to be supportive. We don’t want anything more to do with her. I told my children to call the police if she comes to our house again. What else can we do?

A: You’re not just taking what she’s dishing out, which is good, but you need to go a little further. Your sister is a nutjob and your parents have betrayed you by ignoring the fact that she’s a nutjob. (She admitted to someone that she killed those birds and your folks still won’t listen?!)

Why are you guys still talking to her? Why was she in your brother’s house? You would avoid a stranger who did these things. Why do you think you have to take it just because you have the same parents? All three of you need to push this nutjob as far away as you can and don’t let her near any of you any more. Get Caller ID, change your phone numbers, change your locks, maybe even move. She killed an animal to get back at someone. That’s Fatal Attraction stuff.

Your parents are a problem, because they could give the nutjob your new contact information. I suggest a pact where the three of you cut off contact with your parents for one year. (You can tell them why.) After a year, get in touch and see if they’ve wised up yet. If they have, you can work something out. If they haven’t, avoid them for another year. If they think this nutjob is so great, they can have her all to themselves.

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